Alone

2010-10-17T02:27:00.004+08:00

Lonely. Loveless.
These 2 words are wat i love to describe myself but nvr said it.
Till now.
I shouldn't be awake.
NS should have thought me that.
But I dunno why I'm still awake.
Tears rolling down my cheeks.
It's like as if tonight i'm in a time machine, looking back at my past.
I like to do self-reflection.
Looking at my past to correct my mistakes.
But I'm looking at the wrong stuffs at the wrong time.
I've been too desperate lately.
Every1's are living on with their lives while im stuck in the past for today.
It rarely happens.. But tonight's really bad.
I'm really depressed dude.
Listening to the wrong kinda songs: romance.
Chatting bout the wrong stuffs: past, romance.
Reading bout the wrong stuffs: past romance.
I wonder how much longer I can continue living like this.
I really dunno wat to say. I'm juz damn sad right now to say anything.
Wat im shocked is to have ppl writing on my tagboard.
This blog has been dead for like almost a year.
I dun even noe if they're bots trying to promote virus/porns.
Sigh. I really wonder.
What did I ever do?
And have any1 ever noticed this?

Do I have to kill myself in order to get loved?
Or do i find love afterlife.
Today's juz damn bad.
I hope i'll be able to pick myself up tomorrow.

-Kai

2010-08-28T03:37:00.006+08:00

Nights have nvr felt so long.
It's not a feeling that I nvr felt before.
Even as I write this, my breathe seems so heavy.
I just have to find a way to let things out.
I've been bottling things up way too much.
How unfortunate, that this 1 night, I couldn't even find some1 to talk to.
Maybe I still am philophobic.
Gah. It's so hard.
Damn. I feel so devastated.
It's the same feeling as it was 1~2 years back.
History really love to repeat itself huh?
Just when I thought I was ready for it.
Just when I finally thought this might be it.
I tried not to put so much hope on it.
I'm sure i didn't.
But man. Serious shit. For it to hurt the same way it did.
I'm disappointed in myself.
Argghhh. Seriously. I'm really disappointed in myself.
Didn't expect it to be this serious.

Sigh.
I really need company.
At least I can take my mind of it.
But no1's talking.
Sigh. I noe it's not their fault.
It's 3.50 am in the morning.
Who would be awake at this time?
And what the heck am I doing awake at this time right?

Good thing I have 2 blogs.
I'd feel embarrassed typing this in the other.
I dun wan alot to noe bout this post.

Olive you~ And everything you do.
Wat 2 words can mean.
Afraid to say the other 3.
When can I actually say it again?
It's depressing man. It really is.

-Kai

2008-11-27T01:17:00.001+08:00

Meh.
It's been days since I wanted to post.
But juz didn't had the time.
Anyways.. I think it was last monday.
Went to WhiteSands KFC.
So I was like.. "YEA! WS KFC!"
Sadly..
Yea.. Damn..
Sadly, she wasn't there.
Damn.
I wanted to see her face.
Maybe get her number as well.
*XDD*
Meh.
She wasn't there..
Nooooo..
T_T
Whyyy?
Damn. Meh..
Overnight twice at my Rashid's house.
And on the 2nd night..
Zul was talking bout where to bring his GF this christmas.
And all the talks...
Made me think..
"Am I too young for this kinda thing?"
Cause..
Damn it sounds damn costly. >.>

-Kai

2008-11-14T00:17:00.002+08:00

I've been receiving complaints that the fonts are too small.
Ah well.
I used to write it in "small" fonts.
Now I had to make it "normal".
Anyways. I've been thinking for awhile.
How long has it been?
I've been waiting and waiting...
Yet the day I await nvr comes.
The day.. When I'll find my (1st) girl that will stay with me till..
Well basically until we get married and so on.
So I've been thinking..
Am I juz a guy who's thinking about all this unrealistic stuffs?
Cause I had a talk with an old fren of mine.
This chat happened quite a long time ago.
True love cease to exist in this world.
I kinda find it kinda true.
Most relationship these days..
They start with a one-sided love.
Then slowly, moving on to the relationship we see now.

Anyways.. Putting that aside.
I'm.. Kinda confused. >.>
Over something so simple..
Yet made so complex.
Bout this Carolyn.
I hafta admit that.. I have a crush on her.
And yet, I've been told.. That she doesn't have a good behaviour.
Meh.
It's like so unfair.
Can't the answer just appear before me?
Who's the 1 for me? >.>
*Man I sound desperate*
Or izzit juz that my head gone nuts on me.
Sigh..
I wonder when life would start being nice to me.

-Kai

2008-11-12T02:00:00.003+08:00

I wonder how long has it been since I last used this blog.
Muahah.
Ah well.
Not alot will be informed bout this blog.
I'm only letting those whom I trust and who will listen to what I got to say to read this.
Well. This also partly means... I gotta get a new chatbox ._.

Making things simple.
It's been more than a month since I had a spoilt charger.
Tnx to my parents, this baby is finally working again.
Baby as in.. My laptop. =P

Lots of things happened during this holiday from my laptop.
School reopens.
I spend almost every single pocket money on games. >.>
*It was a must since I cant use my lappy* ><
Anyways.
The topic that I wanna write here is...
An everyday thing but it doesn't happen to just any1.
If u get wat I mean.
(To make it simple... It luurrvveee)
There will always be a time when u will somehow get a crush on some1.
Slowly get to see her more often.
And before u noe it, u wanna get to noe her.
As u can guess, I have a *cough*lit*cought*tle*cough* crush on this girl.
It all started like this....

It was 3 november, Monday.
I have my lessons till like.. Around 6?
And hell... The last lesson made me mad.
I was so furious that...
I was juz.. mad at every single ppl during at lesson.
They wouldn't even come to assist me.
The teacher was not even teaching.
So... Wth?

Then a friend of mine called.
To actually play dota.
I couldn't disagree.
Since I already had a bad day.
I would like to vent out my anger.
Surprisingly, things went well.
Played 2 games and we're off since we're satisfied with our "work".
And we decided to treat ourselves by eating KFC. Lol.
Woots. I hadn't ate the whole day and I'm gonna have dinner at KFC.
Ok.. This is where it all begins.
It was months ever since I went to KFC.
At Whitesands to make it precise.
And woahh... There's quite a number of pretty girls working there.
Woots.
Anyways.
We wanted to buy a zinger student meal each, when the person said there's no more zinger for today.
*shocked*
*checks the time &...*
Woah.. It was almost closing time.
So I decided to go with the 3 piece chicken meal.
Oh oh... And that's when I saw this particular girl.
Damn my eyes was stuck on her. >.>
Saw her nametag but not so clearly.
I managed to see the word "ca" and "lyn".
And actually I noticed she keep looking my way quite a few times..
So thats when it all started.
So on the way home, I was trying to figure out her name.
Lol.
Caitlyn?
Thats all I could think of.

And how unlucky for me.
I started to noe I got a crush on her when I couldn't sleep that night.
And it made me wanna go there again.
So the 2nd time I went there was the following wednesday.
When I noticed her doing the same thing again.
This time, I noticed her name with o.
Didn't notice properly.
So I thought it was "Caotlyn".
Ok... What a weird name.
And all end up with the 3rd time going to KFC.
Which was on this monday.
Finally get to noe her name was Carolyn.
Doh.
I was all pumped up when I think bout her.
I really thought I started to like her.
Then when it falls apart.
On that 3rd time, I felt I was ignored.
Shit.
I kinda feel... Well. A little down?
It didn't really bother me that much.
But.. Afterwards, during my game.
We were losing quite badly.
Thats when it came into my mind.
I felt so rejected that night.
Its as if...
The old feeling was back.
Like I was so scared of rejection when I haven't done a thing..
I hate this feeling.
Now my mind is in a mess.
I still wonder what I should do.
She's a complete stranger.
And I'm trying to get to noe her.
Yet my hopes were crushed when I felt rejected.

All I want is... For my relationship to be different..
To last all the way until where I want it to end.
Which is after marriage & a good life.
Yet...
I feel rejected...
I noe... For things to be different..
I have to make a step.
But damn..
To ask a complete stranger for her number + my shyness/anti-social skills = Dun bother.
I gotta change.
I want my wish to come true.
But until then...
I need to regain my courage..
And really start my 1 big step.

-Kai

2008-06-25T22:24:00.001+08:00

An update during exams.
Lol.

Attention~
I deleted my friendster.
To whoever added me as friend,
Delete me off.

Ah well.
Off to study.

2008-06-15T03:35:00.003+08:00

Bah.
How long has it been since I blogged?
Hmm...
1 month.
._.
That's long for me to be idle.
Lol.
Ah well.
I don't wish to continue blogging.
Since I got nothing much to write.
Hah. XD
Ah well.
This is my final blog.
Since I'll be too busy to touch this anyways.
Lol.
Busy. XDD

Anyways.
It's been some time since school started.
Things are going pretty well.
Things are the same.
Goes to class....
*Sleeps*
Lol.
Hell it will be 1 week + more before tests starts.
And I haven't study.
Lulz .__.
I'm so dead.
Oh. Come to think of it.
I prefer long hair.
Gahh~
*Pulls hair*
GET LONGGERRRRR
=s

Life seems to be the same too.
A little difference here and there.
But I guess that won't stop me from moving further.
And to achieve the thing that keeps me smiling without myself realising it..
The journey doesn't end here.
XDD
There will juz be times when there we'll be walking down memory lane.
But still wat matters is the present.
Right?
Ah well.
I need to get some rest.
And do my project soon. ._.
Nitez~

-Kai

2008-05-13T00:13:00.003+08:00

I guess I've decided.
There wont be any more post after today.
Main reason.
Cause I dun have anything interesting to write about.
And another..
I dun see any benefits of me pouring my feelings here...
Least I'm the 1 who'll be feeling it.
Rather than posting a depressing post and others feel sad as well.
So yea.
This blog...
Imma kill it. ._.
*Dead blog*

2008-05-11T05:59:00.002+08:00

Zomg.
Dota is evil.
Lol.
Juz reached home.
._.
No more dota from today.
Bah. ~.~
*waits for the disc to be returned*

What to dooo?
So confused. @.@

2008-05-10T01:43:00.001+08:00

It comes running down on onli the right side.
It was realli weird.
Onli the right side.
Isn't it better...
If.....

2008-05-09T03:36:00.002+08:00

Lol.
Juz reach home.
Zomg. And my class starts at 9 tml.
I should rush to sleep ._.

Anyways... I dun see why u dun wanna ans...
But seriously, it's better for me to noe wats ur ans. =/

2008-05-07T18:45:00.000+08:00

Im waitingggg...
._.

2008-05-07T02:09:00.001+08:00

Hanged X_X
Kinda weird to have no reception in my room.
IN MY ROOM LEI. >.>

2008-05-06T13:03:00.002+08:00

I hate reading!
No more tuesday mornings to the library anymore.
Hmph.

Lol.
And yessss.
Akantor dead with 8 mins left.
I'm getting betterr...

*And btw.
I fell asleep in front of the comp ._.
Realised at 1+. Lol

2008-05-05T23:16:00.002+08:00

*Faints*
Should I sleep tonight? ._.
That Akantor is tempting me not kill him tonight.
Lol. 36 seconds left and he's dead.
Woots.
Was it just pure luck? Or should I try again to prove myself wrong?
*thinks*

2008-05-05T06:37:00.001+08:00

It's been almost 3 days in a row.
I wonder when I can get my sleep.
Or enough rest at least.
._.
To whomever u noe u are...
Stop it.
It's got nothing to do with ya.
Dun bother asking me anymore.
I'm not answering.
Leave me alone.
Ya like to see me living in the worse eh?
Is that wat ya wan?

2008-05-04T13:56:00.003+08:00

Woots. 2 hours.
._.
Hmmm.
*Thinks*
Should I continue watching movie or do something else?
Need to start drinking coffee or that 2 hours will drag. Lol.

I am dragonfly man!
Lawl. Lame movie. =s

2008-05-03T18:08:00.003+08:00

I'm a nobody.
I'm living a miserable life.
I'm of no meaning to any1.
I'm of no importance to any1.
Ya happy now?

"tell me wat do you do when it all falls apart"

2008-05-02T19:19:00.001+08:00

*Learns Moonlight Sonata for the 1st 10 seconds.*
Lol.

2008-05-01T03:21:00.001+08:00

It started all over.
Why does this hafta happen?
Why...?
*punches myself*
~.~

2008-04-30T02:43:00.003+08:00

Almost 5 months I guess.
I hate it.
I realli do.

Anyways. Gratz Khim & Grace.
Lol.

"Time is going on and on, it goes forever"
*I stand here all alone*
...
Just keep smiling... :')
Dun start it again... No.. Dun...

2008-04-26T13:31:00.004+08:00

Omg.
I think I was too excited to get the psp back that I even dreamt bout it.
._.
Lol.
*waits for my mom's return... WITH the PSP*
Grawrr.

Heh. And.
Today's horoscope seems nice.
Is it suppose to be good or otherwise? o.o

And... Omg.
I think I look more like a girl with this haircut.
*Thinks whether I should go for another 1*
Ok. Some say my hair look the same...
Some say my hair look weird.
Some say this... Some say that...
Which is which? ._.

2008-04-25T17:09:00.002+08:00

Duunnnn have to tell me thattt!! T_T
I noe. I gain weight.
I always do every holidays.
Even my aunt said so. >.>
Heh. Getting my haircut later.. =.=
*there goes my hair*
Then gonna restock my supply.
&& I'm getting the psp back tml!!
Wuahahahahahx.
*hogs psp*

2008-04-25T16:22:00.001+08:00

Wooooo~!!!!
Sponsored for bike license!
*Waits for another 6 month*
=.=

2008-04-24T20:11:00.002+08:00

Grawr. *cries to vid*
Lol.

Thank You does hurts at times.

2008-04-24T19:23:00.003+08:00

Doh.
Of all the songs played at the library juz now.
*Deng... Depression*
Lol.
I wan the psp backkk!!!!
Anyways...
This song is cute laaa..
*imagines the music box*
Lol. I'll get 1 of there is 1... Grawrrr..

2008-04-24T00:30:00.001+08:00

Family are the last u should go to share secrets.
I wonder how far was I exposed ._.
Where's the fun of it when u noe wat's gonna happen? GAH.
>.>

2008-04-23T19:37:00.003+08:00

2nd day.
Omg. I'm outta stocks.
I didn't thought it will be half by the 2nd day ._.
I guess I miscalculated.
Wuahaha.
So I guess 1 more packet and it's countdown.
Lol.

I wonder wat ppl will think I'm talking bout.
Lol.

2008-04-23T01:36:00.002+08:00

Day 1.
Ended at 1:34 am.
40 more to go.
I'll continue another day.
And it seems like.. It won't be enough.
Damn I need more. Lol.

If only there's some1...

This fear is all over me again...

2008-04-22T21:32:00.000+08:00

Day 1.
Better be early.
And I could take my time.
Wuahahahax.

2008-04-21T23:33:00.002+08:00

I guess 2008 is juz a downfall to most of us.
But no use dwelling on it.
Though sometimes we still do. Lol.
Bah.
Anyways. Vik. U're not going through wat me or MH is going through.
I'm sure MH is having harder time than me..
And u shouldn't have any problems. =.=
But its still heart-breaking.. True..
But looking at it, urs is easy to tackle/recover.
Bah.
Anyways. I was listening to "When it all falls apart - The Veronicas" juz now.
Sry if I wasn't clear.

Anyways...
I'm guessing night classes will get more interesting now.
Wuahahxx.
With lots of empty classes around...
And naughty "ghost" roaming around.
*Wuahahahhahax*

2008-04-21T02:37:00.001+08:00

I wanna go surfing!
*But I have to learn it 1st*
And there wont be any surfing in S'pore..
Right? =s

2008-04-21T01:20:00.000+08:00

He was there, stading.
Staring outside the windows as the night scenery zooms pass the travelling train.
Lyrics going through his head,
As the music blast at his left ear.
Little did he expect that the next song that played will bring him back memories of the past.
And the next thing he knew.
He was standing alone.
Looking at the family opposite of him.
So familiar.
But slowly, they're fading away.
And the next.
He saw her.
And too...
She faded...
Left with nothing except memories.
The guy wished for a timemachine.

2008-04-20T20:49:00.002+08:00

U noe how torturing life is?
Gahhh..
I hate life..
Its so... uhhhh.
T_T
Its juz...
Juz soooo...
Torturing u noe..
Without Coffee!! T_T
Been days since I last tasted a drop of it.
Lol. Random Wauhahax.

2008-04-20T00:59:00.004+08:00

Looking at another point of view realli changes most of the thing.
Anyways...
I was walking at the corridor going to my fren's house..
When I remembered something from my childhood.
I got a feeling somehow it made me weird, the person I am today.
Partly made me weird. =s
Cause as a child...
I always think... Differently?
Maybe I didn't.
It juz that I force myself to.
Juz to become different.
I didn't wanna have the same opinion so there won't be fight or anything.
Lol.
Ahh well.
For all I know...
Fairness isn't something I can fight for.
Lol. *random*
And.. Oh yea.
To all monster hunter fans, moster hunter orange 1st manga book is out.

2008-04-18T00:28:00.002+08:00

Awww. Come on.
I'm not gonna let a few words drag me down.
Not anymore at least.
*Concentrates*
AHHHH! GAHHHH! BAHHHHH!
It's tough u noe..
But craziness does help. Wuahahahx.
Damn. Dun curse me with words that are true yet sad....
Nooooooo~~~
*Starts concentrating again*
Lol. Random =s
I guess I made up my mind.
Starting all over.
If possible. But... Who said it is impossible, right?
Juz.. Concentrateeeeee...
*Omhhhhh*

Oh oh!
Anyways. I saw this selenger juz now at elp at school.
Wuahaha. I wonder if she noes who she was.
Dun run away covering ur face with ur purse. =P
I sawwww ittt...

2008-04-16T17:17:00.005+08:00

I was reading this bulletin in friendster.
And... some of them are soo true...

--Guys may be flirting around all day
but before they go to sleep, they
always think about the girl they truly
are about.
--Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.
--Guys will do anything just to get
you to notice him
--Guys hate it when you talk about
your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest.
--Boyfriends need to be reassured
often that they're still loved.
--Don't talk about your guy friends to
your boyfriend.
--Guys get jealous easily.
--Guys are more emotional than they'd
like people to think.
--Giving a guy a hanging message
like "You know
what?!..uh...nevermind.." would make
him jump to a conclusion that is far
from what you are thinking. And he'll
assume he did something wrong and
he'll obsess about it trying to figure
it out.
--Guys are good flatterers when
courting but they usually stammer when
they talk to a girl they really like.
--A usual act that proves that the guy
likes you is when he teases you.
--Guys love you more than you love
them if they are serious in your
relationships.
--Guys think WAY too much. One small
thing a girl does, even if she doesn't
notice it can make the guy think about
it for hours, trying to figure out
what it meant.
--Guys seek for advice from girls not
other guys. Because most guys think
alike, so if one guy's confused, then
we're all confused.
--When a guy asks you to leave him
alone, he's just actually
saying, "Please come and listen to me."
--If a guy starts to talk seriously,
listen to him. It doesn't happen that
often, so when it does, you know
something's up.
--If your best guy friend seems to
avoid you or is never around when
you're with your boyfriend, he's
probably jealous and likes you.
--When a guy tells you that you are
beautiful, don't say you aren't. It
makes them want to stop telling you
because they don't want you to
disagree with them.
--When a guy looks at you for longer
than a second, he's definitely
thinking something.
--Guys don't like girls who punch
harder than they do.
--A guy has more problems than you can
see with your naked eyes.
--Don't be a snob. Guys can be
intimidated and give up easily.
--Guys talk about girls more than
girls talk about guys.
--Guys hate rejection, but they hate
being led on even more.
--If you are going to reject a guy,
just do it. Don't say they are like a
brother or just good friends, it just
hurts even more. Tell them that you
aren't interested in a relationship
and they will respect you.
--Guys really think that girls are
strange and have unpredictable
decisions and are MAD confusing but
somehow are drawn even more to them.
--When a guy sacrifices his sleep and
health just to be with you, he really
likes you and wants to be with you as
much as possible.

2008-04-15T18:56:00.000+08:00

Thing's will get better if this keeps up.

2008-04-12T18:34:00.002+08:00

The Click Five concert on 1st June 2008.
Sigh.
Empty.
Kinda reminded me of something....

2008-04-10T04:13:00.002+08:00

Moments of Life.
There's really some moments which u really love to remember.
Some... Otherwise.
And there's some... Which you'll love to remember..
But.. You'll won't be to happy remembering it.
What do I mean?
Maybe I'll just give a rough example.
When u actually had a small crush on some1.
Then slowly, u got to know the person better.
From there... Ur feelings for her developed.
And the next thing u knew, u were actually spending lots of time with her.
Very memorable times.
So by that time, u knew well... That ur feelings...
Aren't just like or crush anymore..
And u... U, yourself...
Made your own world come crumbling down.
You made a mistake u regret.
Not only regret, it's as though u killed yourself.
The times u spent with her.
No longer there.
Those are the times... U love..
But when u think back of it...
You'll feel sad because...
It's no longer there.
Any yea.. Easily guessed..
I'm facing it right now.

So.. I actually had a talk with 2 of my sec school frens.
They actually make me realise something.
The feelings will always stay.
Even if it looks like we moved on.
The love for that person... Will never go away.
But there's nothing we can do..
...
And there's actually something I've gotta do..
Before all hope is lost. I think.
I pray... That I'll get the strength to ask..
Before it's all too late...
I'm heavily broken,
And I don't know what to do .
...
And there's nothing I can do

Hardest moment of Life.
Is the moment of letting go,
Of all the thing..
U ever & still love.

2008-04-09T22:22:00.002+08:00

But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable at best

2008-04-08T02:15:00.002+08:00

Ever had a time...
When u were trying to enjoy your day, the day gone passed.
And it was ok...
BUT then...
While you're walking home.
U saw some1 u didn't wish to remember.
Or some1 else who looked almost like that person?
I'm sure every1 have their own story to why they didn't wanna remember a certain person.
And... Ever wondered..
Why we didn't wish to remember this certain someone?
Surely something happened. But have we ever thought twice what started it?
Again.. We all have our own story for it.
So in this story of mine..
I was the cauuse of it.
I couldn't have any1 else to blame except myself.
It all goes way back.
Damn I'm like telling a grandfather story. Lol.
Bah.
Sadly.
It's not that I wanna forget this person.
It's juz that I'm forced to.
But yea... We're still in contact and stuffs.
But..
I dun see who am I anymore.
Everytime we talk...
I feel like im searching..
Searching for something...
I dun realli noe wat I'm searching for...
Mayb it's because...
I'm searching for times we used to talk before...?
Maybe not onli the times we talked before, its all the times we were spending on before.
But why?!
Tell me...
Why I still wan those times?
Even though looking the situation now... Its impossible.
To juz stay as frens.
Isn't it wat she wanted?
And..
It's juz so hard not to have this feelings.
But if that's wat she wants.....
And I'm still trying..
Trying to move on...
But I'm just like a puppet now.
The seats are empty... Juz like this feeling inside of me.
The stage has nothing... Except a puppet that's collecting dust.
That's desperately trying to move.
But all in vain.
All it wants is..
To have its moments back.
Where its puppeteer is moving it.
Where every1 is watching.
Where...
It was the time..
It can realli smile...
But all seems lost.
There's nothing left..
Because of a mistake..
Everything...
Is juz gone..
All gone...
There's no turning back...
Since it's unable to move.
All it can do..
Is wait..
For the time to pass by.
And hope... A puppeteer will appear and start moving it again.
With a wish..
For the same puppeteer it had before....

2008-04-06T06:25:00.000+08:00

I give up.
I dunno what's true anymore & wat's not.
I dunno where to go anymore.
Its harder than it was before.
The pretends...
I dunno how long I can stay this way...

I'm a living puppet.
I'm standing still while the time is moving.
Collecting dust waiting some1 to make me move.
Some1 juz put a bullet through my head plz.

2008-04-02T05:06:00.006+08:00

Sadness.
Is that wat u feel when u read this blog?
Maybe its because all that I wrote in it is when I'm down and pouring my feelings into a post.
So last night,
I was talking to some1 for juz a short moment.
And she made me realise something.
When people read this blog, they are reading wat im writing.
But they dun realli noe the WHOLE thing that's actually happening.
So,
I wanna apologise all those who read this blog.
Why?
Cause this blog isn't like a blog anymore.
It's juz a place where I pour my feelings.
So wat realli got my attention was wat she said.
Where blogging wont help me forget.
Actually I juz want to say this.
I'm juz veri vulnerable at night.
Memories just suddenly pop out in my head.
And obviously, at night there's hardly any1 I could realli go to.
They may be sleeping.
So I used this blog to write down wat I feel at that moment.
But that doesn't mean I'm juz blogging & not doing anything.
Seriously, I'm juz vulnerable at night.
And yes, fyi, I'm trying my best.
Also, if u noticed, all the post that I recently wrote is all early in the morning.
Not trying to say that I got nothing to do by staying awake all night,
But its juz that...
I'm juz active at night.
No idea why.
And sometimes some things happen which made me remember.
By coincidence, the lappy will be on.
So yea.. I juz blog it.
All I'm trying to say is that,
I blog... But that doesn't I'm not trying.

Oh yea.
1 more thing.
To whom it may concern,
If u read this blog and feel sad.
I kinda dun understand why....
But juz keep in mind..
Juz dun feel sad.
Every1 have to go through this at least once.
Even if history is constantly repeating itself,
We all have to go through it.

2008-04-01T05:52:00.004+08:00

"There's better fishes out there to catch",
"There's others who's better out there".
Wat do they realli mean?
Maybe yes. It's realli true that there are others who's better...
But... It doesn't apply all the time.
Yea heck... It realli doesn't.
Everyone have different personality.
It's rare to get across two of a kind.
Rare but still possible.
Anyways... Bout different personality.
I'm sure that everybody's taste is different as well.
And not just any1 can suit wat we want.
Some may have high standards/expectations of the opposite sex.
It can be otherwise as well.
It actually varies.
It may also change as time passes by.
And frankly speaking, my expectations..
I dunno how to describe it..
But my frens say that its high.
Damn they complain bout it..
But I dun see wat's so high bout my expectations.
Seriously.
Ok.. So enough bout my weird high expectations.
*I still dun think its high*
Expectations...
I'm sure everybody have their own standards.
And quite sure that there's main standards... & sub standards.
Maybe u dun get wat I'm talking bout.
Main standards are actually wat u realli wan the other sex to have.
Sub standards are just those that u wish the other sex have,
But u dun mind if they dun have them.

So seriously...
Wat's making it hard to kinda let it go?
Her personality... Which..
Not onli fufilled the main expectations, its juz...
Too good to be true.. It actually kinda exceed my expectations.
So fine... Ok.
U guys/gals/men/ladies/old hags... *Whoever u are*.... Just easily say..
"Still thinking bout her? It's been months, man.. Its long enough already. There's other people out there who's better"
Easily said huh....
1st things 1st... Easier said than done.
Next... months.. Long? U sure?
Better people out there?...
Different people have different personality.
If getting across some1 who's 1 in a million, what's my chances of getting another better 1?
Another 1 in a million... Oh oh.. Or maybe 1 in a (million & 1). -.-
And seriously...
Its realli RARE to come across the perfect gal u've been seeking for.
*And of course.. Guys for the other gender. Unless ur gay/les -.-*
And perfect... In the sense...
Perfect in our eyes.

So Passerby.. Let's just name u PB for short.
It isn't easy.
Yea... Maybe its true... Some others will come along & make everything alright again.
But bout the "there's always someone better" part.
Wats the chances of history not repeating itself?
Wats the chances of having everything alright again AND getting the Ms. Right at the same time?
Looking at this society...
The type of person I look for..
Is rather... RARE.
Only god noes if there's realli better others...
But something's for sure.
I still dun believe there'll be better others.
And... The her I noe...
Will stay right here.
Right where my heart is.
And yea.. PB,
Thanks for trying to cheer me up..
I appreciate it.
But there's some things which u won't be able to change,
Even if u noe things are constantly changing.
Not everything change. That's for sure.

Despair

2008-03-30T05:18:00.003+08:00

Its realli kinda weird aint it?
When u thought things were over,
U suddenly got reminded of the person because of some event.
So.. I was listening to this song.
It sounded kinda nice.
Darius Danesh - Colourblind.
So I was kinda addicted to it.
I kept on playing it.
Trying to remember the lyrics.
So while trying to memorise the lyrics, I was doing some other stuffs.
Gaming, chatting, checking out videos, hints & guides for this game on my psp.
So when its all over, I lay down on my bed.
Looking at the dark room with the window open.
Gazed out into the sky.
Listening to the song.
Suddenly she just poped up in my head.
Forgetting the present, remembering the past.
And I realli remembered.
The times. Which made me smile.
So heck. Wat was I thinking?
Went to the kitchen to make some coffee.
And damn the sweeting cream finished.
Had to open another 1.
Took out the can opener.
And BAM!
Made a mess.
I actually poked the can opener all the way through.
So there was some wasted sweetener on the cupboard.
To think my mind drifted off and I used too much force without realising it.
So I thought it was over.
And wth...
I actually filled the cup with lots of hot water.
*Fyi, I onli make iced/cold coffee*
So I added ice.
Stirred and stirred.
The next thing I knew, the ice was all gone and im still stirring. -.-
So yea. Finished my coffee.
But still thinking.
To think I moved on.
I was juz proven wrong.
Little... But still... I had these tears rolling down my cheeks.
I don't want to cry.
I don't wanna remember.
But I still think of her.
The fact is so clear.
The time we spent... Would nvr be there again.
Yet I still loathe it.
I yearn for it.
I hate myself.
Unable to face the truth and giving reason, saying that "Life's Unfair".
I can even hear & imagine she saying, "Life is like that. It's never fair.'

All I ever wanted...
Is just to make her..
My 1st... & a special 1.
The 1st & onli girl I'll talk to for hours.
The one who'll be my 1st & onli girl.
The 1st to almost everything...
And to think.. I was the 1 who made my own downfall.
Forgive & forget.
I can do this to any1...
Except myself.
I juz cant shake off the guilt that im carrying.
To noe she was at the tip of my finger..
And letting her go...

As I'm typing this, the tear drops at the edge of my eyes grow bigger.
Then slowly, it gets too heavy and start running down these dry cheeks.
Lying down on this bed.
Gazing out of the window.
Listening to this song on repeat.
Thinking of those times where I was realli happy and smiling away.
Which now, make me cry.
I'm so vulnerable when its 12 in the morn onwards when i'm alone.
The memories takes advantage by stabbing me right in the heart when i'm so helpless.
Forcing myself to sleep early... It didn't work.
Being an owl made it hard to close my eyes.
Oh how I wish... That time would turn back.
That thing wouldn't turn out this way.
I tried so hard...
And juz when I thought I was at my best,
I fell.
And still falling...
Disappearing into oblivion....

I realli can't be alone at night time...
I need company..
And the onli company i'm getting from is misery.

It's almost time for my parents to wake up...
I hope that these tears will stop by then.
I dunno wat I feel now...
All emotions seems to be stirred.
I feel so lost.
I feel so empty.
And...
I still feel guilty & sad.

2008-03-26T03:49:00.003+08:00

Wooo.
Kai found company.
And he wanna see it againnnn.
Lol.
I'm so gonna hog that kitten.
Heh.
Milah... Get a name for it a.s.a.p.
Wuahahahx. That kitten is mine to hog...
Lol.. Jkjk. =x

2008-03-24T18:01:00.003+08:00

Mind over heart.
Is it realli a good thing?
Well thats who I am...
Or... It's just that my friend said im like that.
But am I realli that way?
Maybe I am...
Maybe I'm not.
Who noes..
Anyways.
An old fren of mine talked to me last two days...
Kinda surprising..
She dun realli start talking.
Ah well.. Somewhere in between our chat..
Out of the blue she asked me to take this test.
It's kinda a personality test on how judge things... or something like that.
And wat do u noe...
I make up 1% of the human population.
So im hard to come across...
Lol.. Lame.. =s

And come to think of it...
I juz come to realise something..
There's always a problem trying to get over something...
Why?
Cause ur heart & ur mind isn't realli connected..
Ur mind is always trying to either..
Remember the thing... Or trying to fill itself with some other stuffs so as to keep itself busy.
Or the 2nd 1 is more like wat ur hearts trying to make u do..
And actually..
From my point of opinion...
Trying to keep ur mind busy with something else..
Isn't realli a good option.
Well. At least when u dun wanna show that ur down or stuff, it's a tempo option.
And yea.. It's tempo.
So.. To me...
The fastest way to forget about stuff...
Is to think more about it.
Hell yea. Think more bout it.
Cause when u 1st get reminded bout it..
It hurts.
Slowly.. U'll get immune to it..
So think more..
The more u think.. The more u'll remember..
The more u remember... The more immune u'll be..
So the memories wont hurt that much when the time comes.
Its kinda a crazy solution.
But it actually helps.
Though u'll be weeping the night... Hard.
But remember. This is onli temporary...
Once u'll get immune to it..
It wouldn't realli matter. Hahx.
But juz keep in mind..
When u think its over...
Juz get prepared..
A little spark might juz tear u down once more.
....
Come to think bout it...
I do use my head more than I follow my heart... o.o

2008-03-23T22:29:00.001+08:00

Didn't realli get a good sleep.
And I sure need more later on.
Reminiscing bout the past...
Its realli kinda saddening..
And if there's a time machine..
I'll want to go back...
To 1st of jan.

2008-03-23T05:10:00.002+08:00

Time sure passes by fast.
I could feel like... It was juz yesterday...
When we were having fun, not listening in classes...
Those pri & sec school times.
I could still remember those best friends I had..
When I was in pri school...
But didn't manage to keep contact after since...
Zahir, Mostafa, Isdiyad, Hanis, Ryan, Matin, Razali.
Things realli have changed..
I managed to meet Ryan back at NYP.. But he didn't recognise/remember me ><
4 years since we met... No surprise.
Zahir... I'm not sure wat happen to him..
The last time I met him... He dropped out of school.
Still remember the times...
Soccer... Then remembered how he called me "monyet".
Hahx.
And for the rest.. I'm sure they're doing fine...
Then come to sec school...
Yijun, Syed Sayyidi, Abid..
The onli 3 close frens from pri who went to Coral Sec.
Sayyidi.. I wonder how's it going for him at TP.
Yj.. YJ!!! WOOO!.. Haax...
I still remember the old times.
And there's no change in u...
Hahax.. No matter how much we tried...
U'll juz nvr get angry... *pok pok*
Anyways...
I realli hope u get well soon.
Dun let cancer get in ur way.
Abid.... Parkour times..
Hahx.
And comes to poly..
The 1st year passed.
And alot happened...
alot...
The friends we gain...
The bonds we built...
But.. we lose friends as well...
And some... the bond between us...
It doesn't feel like its there anymore...
The things that we gain... & some that are lost...
I feel like having a time machine...
Travel back through time....
Create a future for the past me...
Where no sad memories exist...
Where nothing is lost...
....
Where sadness... Isn't in the dictionary...
We're growing realli fast without even realising it...
But I still carry...
A heavy regret on me...
Some things that I did...
That I won't forgive myself for it...
I'm sry ___...
I realli am..
But time wouldn't turn around for me..
We can't go back to the past and correct things... Even if I wanted to...
...
Yj.. Looking at ur recent post...
I actually shed my tears...
No idea why...
Hahax.. Pathetic aint i...
U kinda realli lost ur hair..
I felt kinda... bad?
I dunno...
Cause... when I 1st came to know..
U actually got cancer...
I thought u were actually joking..
And actually... When I found out u weren't joking...
I dunno wat to say...
Wat kinda friend am I?
Not to even noe that u actually weren't even in school for the 2nd sem cause u were having cancer.
I realli dunno why I cried...
Maybe its juz because...
I juz want time back the way it used to be?
I realli missed those times...
And yet...
I dunno why...
I can't accept the fact... That all this... Actually happened...
I realli wish I'm like u... u noe that yj?
Ur realli emotionally strong...

2008-03-21T21:19:00.002+08:00

If the time doesn't come...
Then remember me this way.
I wont ever leave,
As long as u believe.

2008-03-20T02:01:00.001+08:00

It suddenly come to mind..
Do I deserve another chance for another shot?
Who noes... Let's juz let see wat happens next...

2008-03-19T23:27:00.003+08:00

Results are out.
Kinda surprised with my results.
I was expecting I'll see a few F's in my results.
Ah well. At least I got 2 D+ and the rest are C above.
Thank god.

And gosh.
The nutella's gone.
Urghh.
Me wan chocs & ice-creams!
Though I noe I'm not supposed to be eating them.
My cough's worsening by every sec.
More often or not... I'll cough till I almost vomit.
Talking bout my health.
I juz remembered something.
I've been having this for quite a few months already.
Almost a year I guess.
It's just that my heart would suddenly ache outta the blue.
And it's getting worse because of the cough.
I wonder if it's a sign...
I wonder...
And no1 actually noes bout it.
Maybe I'm getting old.
Lol...

And now..
To think of this out of the blue.
Bearbear...
To actually get reminded of u when I was browsing through the pics in my phone.
Being in her room all day..
I kinda envy u.
At least u are there for her.
It's juz a matter whether she comes to u...
Looking at the situation now...
I'm pretty helpless if u ask me.
Pathetic creature ain't I.
Giving u to her... Isn't realli a regret.
My onli regret is...
That ur juz ain't big enough. Hah.
At least she could have hugged u if ur juz bigger.
I wonder how's life's like being a teddybear.
To at least have some1 as company..
But sadly, u can't do much.
All u can do is sit and watch.
And onli she, can provide herself comfort with u.
Thinking bout u...
I kinda got myself reminded..
Giving her the presents for her b'day.
A weird way but still..
At least I was sincere..
Sigh..
Remembering those times...
I wish I could have a timemachine...

2008-03-18T20:33:00.003+08:00

I wonder.
Why is it so hard?
Psycho-ing myself every single day. ~.~
Getting my mind off it.
But why can't I accept the fact...
When it was nvr hard to accept them before...
Why can't I believe?
She's not mine.
The times we spent.
It will nvr be there.
She's gone.
I hafta accept it.
But why izzit so hard?
My feelings for her.
It's wavering.
At times, i can't feel anything.
But other times...
I miss her.. Badly.
I want time..
To be the way it used to be.
But I noe it wouldn't be the same.
But I still dunno why..
I can't accept the fact.
*I wanna take all the SHIT that I have done. But I guess u were better off without me* - "Broken man - Boys like Girls"
*Who am I to say u love me, who am i to say u need me* - "Who am I to say - Hope"
Sigh.
Onli quotes from songs are those that can realli express my feelings.

The holiday's too short...
I still need time.
Maybe...
It's because she juz mean alot to me.
To noe that she's gone...
To noe that thing's won't be the same...
I juz make me didn't wanna accept anything..
So in order to forget things...
I stayed away from home..
Stayed away from the comp.
I treated my home like a hotel.
Went out... Played psp.
Juz to keep my mind busy.
So I won't get reminded of the times.
Sadly, I still do.
I wanted to run away from reality.
But reality keeps chasing me.
The harder I try to keep myself from crying...
The harder I'll cry that night...
I dun wanna noe that things changed.
I dun wanna noe that we've changed.
Cause all I wan is to be like the way we were last time.
I tried to keep myself away from u.
Cause I dun wan to feel that u've changed.
The way u talk...
There's no warmth in it..
Not like the way we used to talk before.
It's realli different.
I can feel the difference in it.

Sigh...
I juz realli dun understand...
But all I can do now...
Is juz to live in my fantasy..
At the same time...
Wish for the best for u.

2008-03-18T13:34:00.009+08:00

Saatnya ku berkata, mungkin yang terakhir kalinya
Sudahlah lepaskan semua, kuyakin inilah waktunya
Mungkin saja kau bukan yang dulu lagi
Mungkin saja rasa itu telah pergi

Dan mungkin bila nanti, kita kan bertemu lagi
Satu pintaku jangan kau coba tanyakan kembali
Rasa yang kutinggal mati
Seperti hari kemarin saat semua disini

Dan bila hatimu termenung, bangun dari mimpi2mu
Membuka hatimu yang dulu cerita saat bersamaku
Mungkin saja kau bukan yang dulu lagi
Mungkin saja rasa itu telah pergi

Dan mungkin bila nanti kita kan bertemu lagi
Satu pintaku jangan kau coba tanyakan kembali
Rasa yang kutinggal mati
Seperti hari kemarin saat semua disini
(x2)

Tak usah kau tanyakan lagi simpan untukmu sendiri
Semua sesal yang kau cari semua rasa yang kau beri

All I can do for u now...
Is to wish for u to always be happy.
Even if it means without me there..

2008-03-18T01:22:00.001+08:00

Sick

Tired

of crying

every single night.

Why does it

hurts so much?

Can I juz die?

Ending this hurt

as well...

2008-03-17T12:24:00.005+08:00

Wat random dream to have at times like this.
But the dreams... The people I've met...
They all made me realise something.
They've opened up my eyes.
There's surely a reason to everything.
To wat happened back then.
And to wat's happening now.

****

Results coming up soon.
Bah.
I'm so dead when I get the results.

****

Come to think of it.
It's super no life time on 1st April till 13th April.
Wonder whether I should work 24h. XP
Last minute work to get some money before school reopens.

I come to wonder.

Whether..

The dream was

A relief

Juz..

Adding on

to the pain

And I wonder,

Do I still love her?

Till it still hurts.

Thinking bout the past.

Those times

of smiles & laughter

and to noe...

It's no longer there.

And nvr will...

2008-03-10T03:37:00.004+08:00

I need a new psp charger!
Reading back the chat logs.
I dunno wats true anymore.
I dunno wats real anymore.
I dun understand..
If things were to be this way...
Can I juz die?
Once again,
Death is my addiction.
I hate life.
I hate living.
I hate...
I hate....
I dun wanna love.
Fuck.
I think i'm going nuts.
I dun wanna be alone...
These tears I shed.
I feel so lost.
If I can turn back time....
With each breath i take,
I'm actually missing u more.
But to see u've changed..
To hear stuffs I didn't wanna hear...
It hurts...
I'm sry..
Even if u say its ok, ur used to it,
Wat I've done...
Is unforgivable..
I wan a timemachine.
And who noes...
If u still care.
My heart is torn.
For every1 to see.

2008-03-08T03:21:00.003+08:00

The 3rd night.
It's tiring. Yet I dunno why I can't sleep.

P.s. N.R, Top up ur prepaid!
I'm still waiting for ur sms. ~.~
*Roar*

And... I hate my sorethroat. =.=
I sound so weird.

The Final Dance

2008-03-05T23:43:00.001+08:00

A toast to the last dance.
Lost in the fight.
But its not the end.
There's other competitions out there.
And it looks like the time is right.
To admit defeat.
Tired of fighting.
Though ended up beaten once again,
I'm sure we both learnt much from it.
As I predicted, it did happen.
Now, looking at it.
Its kinda confirmed that we both are gonna go our seperate ways.
No idea whether we're gonna keep in contact.
But it wouldn't matter.
At least maybe it wouldn't...
But the least I could do,
Is to thank you.
For everything.
All the beautiful memories.
Sadly,
Its the beautiful memories that hurts.
Once again. I thank u.
Sayounara.
I wouldn't be turning back.
And I think its the same to u.
-Kai

Without regrets...

2008-03-05T00:25:00.000+08:00

Screaming till no voice comes out.
He got tired.
So let the music of sorrow.
Sing his screams.

2008-03-04T18:41:00.007+08:00

Woots. Code Geass is realli a nice anime to watch.
Lol. Random. =x
But the last part is kinda saddening.
Now for season 2.
If I recalled correctly, there's season 2.

Bringin memories from the past.
The feeling of losing some1 close to u.
A feeling I can't describe.
Things are always the same.
History repeating itself.
Its gonna be the death of me.
I wonder when's the next repeated history's gonna happen.
I can't think anymore.
My thoughts are all tangled up.
I lost it.
And I lost it once again...

Misery.

Hatred.

Sadness.

Loneliness.

I forgot how to feel happiness.

And maybe I won't be feeling it.

Putting up a fake smile.

All I feel now is emptiness.

Love is cruel.

Life is cruel.

I dun wan to have any emotions anymore.

It hurts.

It realli does.

But I'm juz a fool.

To love love.

To be cupid's prey.

I'm nothing more.

-Shattered Angel

2008-03-04T05:12:00.001+08:00

Its no use thinking bout it anymore.
I have to accept it.
I lost.

2008-03-02T23:31:00.003+08:00

*Updates blog*
Heh. I updated my blog Yj. xD

Walking in this same path.

As I always did.

And.

It never fail to make me feel....

So... Lifeless & Empty.

2008-02-25T00:44:00.001+08:00

I didn't expect to to be that bad...
I'll pretend nothing happened...
But I wonder if I realli can keep it that way....
Sigh.
I lost it all.......

2008-02-24T02:41:00.003+08:00

2nd night...
Im better get some sleep right after this.
Didn't expect a movie marathon to tire me out. Lol.

And...
I guess wat u said is right.
I do need a book.
Well, not those normal kinda book.
Now I juz need to get an empty book and start writing.
Like how I used to last time.
So I'm expecting a dead blog...
Right after I get my .....
Wat's the thing I'm gonna get?
Heh... Lets juz keep it to myself.
And further occasions thats gonna happen... I'll have them to myself.
So yea... Don't expect much from this blog anymore...
It's gonna die.
Lol.

2008-02-21T23:01:00.000+08:00

Why?
Some1 tell me why?

2008-02-21T18:31:00.002+08:00

I hate surprises.

Dun ask me why... I juz hate them.

2008-02-19T23:11:00.002+08:00

It's been a few times.
Everytime I go to the beach.
I almost threw my phone to the sea.

And talking to a fren of mine juz now,
She actually made me realise something as well.
Wid.
I wanna talk to u once more.
Not the way we are now.
The way that we talk...
It seems like... Everything is juz a fake.
It's not coming from the bottom of our heart...
Or so I feel it like that way.
I dunno bout u.
And. I actually need to tell u something.
But I don't it to actually affect ur studies.
So I actually plan to tell it on the day after our exams.
I hope u dun mind.
I wanna apologise as well.
For wat reasons?
Lets juz wait till the day we'll talk again.

-Kai

2008-02-18T13:19:00.002+08:00

It's been 5 days in a row.
Now I'm wondering wat I should do once again.
If I sleep... I'll dream bout u.
If I tried to stay awake... I'll remember bout the time we spent.
All these happen although I'm trying my best to stay away from it.
Sigh.

2008-02-17T21:19:00.004+08:00

Finally, home sweet home.
Errr. Maybe I should change it a little.
Finally home.
Home isn't realli the place I wanna be at right now though.
Ah well.
Anyways... Finally home.
Exams starting in 2 days time and I haven't even start on a single thing. =s
I guess I'm realli on the holiday mood already.
To get away from school and stuffs.
And come to think of it...
This blog won't be active so much from this point onwards.
Nothing interesting to write anyways.
Even if I wrote something, it must be juz to write where I went.
I guess the bottomline is that...
I won't be writing anything that's related to how I'm feeling or other personal stuffs anymore.
It's better to keep it to myself.
Onli those who need to noe will noe.

I guess that's about it.
And... Red House is plain boring.
I wonder why ppl want to drag me along. ~.~

This vid have its meaning.... And some quote... Are juz so true..

2008-02-16T14:02:00.002+08:00

Didn't go for the project yesterday.
Didn't realli feel so well.
Tried to get some sleep but still couldn't get my eyes closed.
Although I didn't sleep the night before.
Ah well.
Finally slept at 10 yesterday.
I guess there's no chance of working anymore. Lol. =s

Speaking of which, I had a weird dream just now.
It looked like as if I was in a shopping centre.
Then somehow riding on a teacup ride which turned out to be a roller coaster.
Spinning and zooming... If there was really such a ride, maybe I'll puke my heart out. ~.~
Not onli the dream was weird...
I dun wan to have that kinda dreams...
Sigh.

2008-02-15T03:26:00.002+08:00

Something's definitely wrong.
My heart seeks for something but my brain doesn't noe wat it is.
My heart beats faster.
Adrenaline gets pumped up.
I wonder wat i'm searching for.
I can't shake this off.
I wonder why.

And speaking of which.
I remembered something.
I forgot to give my thanks.
But I'll personally give my thanks.
Not from this blog. Thats for sure.
*using this post as a note. lol*
Sheesh. Im realli starting to forget lots of things these days.
I wonder wat i'll forget next.

2008-02-12T16:01:00.000+08:00

No words can describe wat I'm feeling.
I wonder wat I'm exactly feeling either....

2008-02-10T05:30:00.000+08:00

Inconsolable - Backstreet Boys

I close the door

Like so many times, so many times before

Filmed like a scene on the cutting room floor

I wanna let you walk away tonight without a word

I try to sleep, yeah

But the clock is stuck on thoughts of you and me

A thousand more regrets unraveling

OOoh, if you were here right now,

I swear I'd tell you this

[Chorus:]

Baby I don't wanna waste another day

Keepin it inside, it's killing me

Cause all I ever wanted comes right down to you (to you)

I wish that I could find the words to say

Baby I would tell you, every time you leave

I'm inconsolable

I climb the walls, yeah

I can see the edge,

But I can't take the fall, no

I've memorized the number

So why can't I make the call

Maybe cause I know you'll always be with me

In the possibility

[Chorus]

No, no, no

I don't wanna be like this

I just wanna let you know

That everything I hold in

Is everything I can't let go (oooh, can't let go)

Cause...

[Chorus]

Don't you know it baby

I don't wanna waste another day

I wish that I could find the words to say

Baby I would tell you, every time you leave

I'm inconsolable

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Oooh, I'm inconsolable

Whoaa yeah

I'm inconsolable

2008-02-09T23:23:00.000+08:00

Woots.
Unexpected outing today.
*Sleeping at 12 when my phone recieved an sms*
"Kai, later u going?"
So I replied, "Huh? Go where?"
So then Milah called.
Last minute outing to Wild Wild Wet.
Wasn't realli interested at 1st.
Cause it doesn't realli interest me.
Actually I thought of looking after their stuffs while they have fun.
Wasn't in the right mood for it also.
But then, just so not to spoil the mood of the other 7 who went there...
I juz joined along.
And so. There was onli 2 rides which I kinda enjoyed.
And yea... It was my 1st time there. Lol.
The slides...
And the 1 that we had to sit in pairs and slide down.
Damn that was scary at 1st.
But kinda fun when u think of it.
Hahax.
So overall. I still think its ok.
And good thing it actually kept my mind busy...
So now... Thinking and looking forward to the next outing...

2008-02-09T03:16:00.000+08:00

Sighs get heavier.
Nights get longer.
Tears gets restless and likes to wander.
Running down the cheeks and jumping off from the chin,
The heart gets weaker.
But the mind seems to be on track.
On the veri same thing.
But now's not the time.
The time now is critical..
Those thoughts have to stay until the right time to put it into words.
So juz wait.... Juz... wait...

Dad, why did u ask that out of the blue?
It juz hurts...
Especially when it's a misunderstanding.
Wat u see doesn't mean it's wat it seem.
Asking it from the blue.... Sigh...
I dun wanna hear it...
I dun wan to...
The feeling of my heart sinking when I heard it...
I hate it... I dun like it..
I despise it.
For it will onli haunt me with other memories which I dun wan to remember...

The world's so cold.
I juz remember the other reason why I fold my arms walking.
It's because the world's cold.
I wonder...
When is this gonna end?

2008-02-08T00:04:00.000+08:00

OCH night yesterday.
Rashid, Hadi, Jamilah, Me, Said, Jamil, Andy & Shahid.
Well. As usual, its plain boring.
But since the rest wanted to go that much,
Juz tagged along.
So after exploring the 1st few lvls, we decided to get some rest at the rooftop.
Well, 1st time going to the rooftop... The atmosphere there was so different.
Somehow it felt so relaxing.
But its kinda small and... Wet floors.
But sitting at the top... It felt relaxing, and somehow unsafe.
U might juz be pushed down... And.. Buh-bye to u.
Anyways... Somehow I didn't want to go to the operation room.
Once again...
But since the others insisted, juz tagged along.
Not even 1/4 way in, we turned back.
Some said they heard footsteps, some say chairs dragging.
Some said they felt heavy taking the steps.
So in the end, we didn't go in the operation room.
So right after OCH, we went to Milah's house.
And overnight there.
But Rashid and Shahid went home.
So.. more things happened.
But nothing important in particular...
I think.
But to the rest, I'll be ok soon.*I hope*
Anyways. Signing off for now.
Laters~

-Kai

2008-02-06T05:30:00.000+08:00

Oh god, tell me wat to do...
It's nvr been this way...
I'm stunned...
Stunned on wat u said.
I couldn't take the shock actually.
I didn't noe wat to do.
And I still dun.

Walking past the flats...
I didn't wanna cry.
Towards the dark park.
Crossing over the bridge...
The calm water flows to the other direction.
I need something to get my mind busy with.
So I went to the water breaker.
Sitting as the cold breeze caresses me.
Why does this have to happen?

To tell u the truth,
I still have these feelings for u.
It had nvr change although I wanted it to fade.
If u would have juz...
Told me...
Earlier... Or Later...

Quite recently...
I've been getting signs that....
We'll nvr make it..
So I thought...
Why not juz make it earlier?
It would have been harder if I stayed longer...
But... I dunno why...
Now u have to tell me this...
And... I juz... basically... feeel... so dumb...
Sigh... I want to noe...
What should I do now?
I dun mind restarting all over...
If u wan us to..
But I wan't u to make the decision for me.
To start anew, or... Continue with our own seperate ways...
And to tell u the truth....
I wanted to say this once more...
But I was scared to say so...
I'll take this chance to say it once more...
I love you...

-Kai

2008-02-05T00:56:00.000+08:00

The Reason Why - The Click Five

Yesterday

I waited for your friends to walk away

So I could say just what I mean

I know we're moving fast

We're running from the past

I'm holding on before it fades away

Could it be that maybe it's our first mistake

And Baby that's alright

It's crazy how we lost ourselves tonight

There's a reason why they say that we should give it time

But time is not enough

And that's the reason why

When you're young you fall in love

Standing still

I'm waiting round to see if this is real

Cause I feel like I'm asleep

I'll open up my eyes

Cause you might be the type

Of girl that makes me dream when I'm awake

Could it be that maybe it's our first mistake

And baby that's alright

It's crazy how we lost ourselves tonight

There's a reason why they say that we should give it time

But time is not enough

And that's the reason why

When you're young you fall in love

So tell me can this really work

Or will we end up getting hurt

Is this love or myth

So tell me are you in for this

There's so much than we can see

More than you

More than me

It takes two to believe

Maybe it's our first mistake

And baby that's alright

It's crazy how we lost ourselves tonight

Maybe it's our first mistake

And baby that's alright

It's crazy how we lost ourselves tonight

There's a reason why they say that we should give it time

But time is not enough

And that's the reason why

When you're young you fall in love

That's the reason why when you're young you fall in love

That's the reason why when you're young you fall in love

The night that I though I'll clarify stuffs didn't come.
Something is holding me back.
"Why?," u may ask.
Right now, maybe...
Juz maybe things are better left unspoken.
Looking at the way things are...
It seems like... Ur doing just fine without me.
No no... It seems like better...
And I'm glad that it is.
But it kinda got me thinking.
Why is it we met?
Hmm... I dun think thats the problem.
It's more like.
Why do I have to fall in love with u?
Why do I always go head over heels over some1?
Because of that stupid feeling that I have.
Things goes wrong.
See where we are right now.
Close friends. But there's somehow.. this tension between us.
I blame...
Onli myself for that.
I dun have any1 else to blame.
It's because of me I got myself into it.
And yes. I hate myself for that.
Sigh. Remembering back. All the way.
I isolated myself from people.
I hated everyone back then.
Well. It's because I was 2-timed by the same person twice.
And I stupidly fell for it.
So on the day I went for the orentation.
I was actually. Well, quiet duh.
So I laughed with my classmates if they made any jokes.
But there was a single thing I could nvr do back then.
Which is to smile.
I haven't been smiling for quite a long time.
I tried forcing myself to forget her.
I forced myself to like other girls.
But it all fades away in a day.
Cause I noe.. It's not my style to fall for a girl on purpose.
Cause we can't force love.
Well. I didnt smile,.. not until I met u.
At 1st when I saw u, I didn't realli care.
Somehow... I started to fall for u.
A few days after the archery bbq.
And 1 day. U actually changed.
U said that the "u" I was talking to...
Was a fake.
I want to say u weren't talking to the real me as well.
But that's lies.
There's no real or fake us.
It's onli the dark and light side of us.
So we were talking using our dark side.
That's wat actually made me change.
And my feelings too.
I found some1 who was like me. *Or so I thought back then*
So I thought... Maybe we could help each other get out of our dark past or something.
So I spend as much attention on u as I can.
And around August,
Something that I least expected happened.
I didn't expect u to understand me most.
Seriously. At that time. U were the onli 1 that understand me more than any1 else did.
Not Hadi, Not Rashid, Not Milah *No offence but its a fact ppl*
And yes. Thats the time I actually... started to smile.
Everytime we talked, joked... I actually smiled.
Cause I was happy.
Not juz happy.
I was actually veri happy I could actually keep smiling.
So October 31st.
I basically thought... No1 is visiting my blog anymore.
So I didn't realli see a purpose why not to write my feelings down.
I actually felt lonely.
And kinda down...
So I juz got the itch to write it down.
Least did I expect that you'll go online that veri night.
My heart stopped when I saw u going online.
My heart was begging for u not to read my blog.
It's juz.. Because... The cold rejections I faced last time... And how they treat me coldly after that..
I didn't wan the same things to happen.
But u ended up reading my blog.
Instead... U acted like nothing happened.
So I thought.. I'll juz play along that u didn't noe... Although I noe that u knew..
So on the 6th November. I couldn't take it that we're acting as though nothing happened.
So on that veri night... I remembered clarifying to why we're actually acting.
And.. U were actually the 1st...
To actually still talk to me, befriend with me even though I made my feelings clear.

And yes... Cause love is blind..
I did stupid things...
I wanted u so much...
Cause no1 actually had treated me like u did.
I would even go to the extend that I'll even die for u.
But... No... I realised.. That's not the way...
"It's because you're alive that you can be with the person you love and that you can be in love with the person. If you died, that would be the end of everything"
This quote actually reminded me... Why I was still alive for the past 4 years.
But I seriously... Feel so guilty...
For letting myself into ur life... Being 1 of your close friends.
And because of love, we ceased talking to each other now.

There's this tension between us.

And I have no1 else to blame.

Onli myself.

Remembering where we were back then...

And where we are now...

I wan those times back.

Knowing u have a crush on some1 else now...

I dunno wat I can do.

Cause... I'm doing wat I can to let go.

And I'm afraid... That when I come back to clarify the stuffs...

It will seem as if I cant let go and still want u.

To know that ur having a crush on some1 else....

I can't deny my feelings... It does hurt... This jealousy...

But... I'm holding them back.

It's no use having 'em.

And yes. Actually I juz noticed, we weren't meant to be right from the start.

Reading ur posts, chatlogs....

I couldn't believe how blind I was...

I wan to say I'm sry...

But... Sry wouldn't be enough...

I dun even noe where to hide my face... But..

All I want... Is our friendship... And the way we talk....

To be like the way it used to be....

Every night you cry yourself to sleep

Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?

Why does every moment have to be so hard?"

2008-02-01T01:01:00.000+08:00

*Yawns*
Haven't sleep from yesterday.
I'm yawning away yet I dun feel sleepy.
Anyways.
I'm starting to wonder.
If I should not say wat I want to say.
Lets just see what happens next.
Then we'll decide.
Heh.
Ok. I'm realli addicted to Bnet. LOL.
I wanted to play with AI just now.
But no idea why I pressed Bnet and played it instead.
Wuahahha. Lol =x
Ok. Random. Hahahahx.
Ok... *takes deep breaths*
I better get some rest.
Hahax. I think its either im high.. or im nuts.
There's a possibility tonning tml night.
So better get some rest.
Or 3 nights without sleep. =s
Till next time.
Nitez

-Kai

2008-01-31T02:11:00.000+08:00

While reading ur November post once again.
I come to realise.
I was being selfish.
I dunno how much I've changed.
To tell u the truth.
I haven't been getting proper sleeps these few days.
There's alot of things I want to say.
But. It seems like.
If I continued to be the same as I was, I might appear to u that I can't let go.
So I forced myself to change.
So I may appear to u... That I realli had let go.
But actually.
It doesn't matter.
All I need was time.. And more self control.
So I made up my mind.
1 of these nights coming.
I wanna clear everything.
I wanna tell u the truth.
Its no use hiding it anymore.
I think its the right time... To tell u everything.
Be prepared.
One of the nights.
Let's juz take it... As.. I wanna clarify things...
For now,
I'll leave things here.
I hope... After that night...
Thingsa are gonna get easier..

-Kai

2008-01-29T20:20:00.000+08:00

So a day at home.
Just a day.
1 day onli.
A single day.
Ok.. You noe I got nothing to do. =s
Anyways. No official lessons today.
So didn't go to school.
Woke up at around 12 just now.
Damn.
Slept for 10 hours.
Wanted to play DotA in the morn.
Lol.
So. A day at home.
Boring~ ><
Damn. I need friends for DotA.
So many leavers and maphackers.
But can't do a thing bout it can't I?
And like they say...
There's not much fun without frens.
*More Like I Was The 1 Who Said It. =s*
And heck yea.
I was bored sick at home.
Even now.
I wan to play DotA with my friends! Roar!
Lol.
Holidays are coming.
Wuahahhaha.
Rashid! Prepare!
Days of overnight and BNet! ROAR! =x
Lol.

Signing off for now. Laters

-Kai

2008-01-29T20:12:00.000+08:00

Only One - Yellowcard

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one who gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one who gets me like you do
You are my only my only one

Here i go
so dishonestly leave a note
for you my only one
and i know
you can see right through me
so let me go
and you will find someone

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one...no one like you
You are my only my only one
My only one(x3)
You are my only my only one

2008-01-28T14:43:00.000+08:00

Lesson learnt.
Nvr trust the stupid PCB teacher.
Made us stay back till 12.45 onli to noe that there was no lesson.
Stupid sms.
-.-"
"Last lesson. MUST come."
ZzZz.
I dunno there's different kinds of lecturers in NYP.
From those to who lie, to those who likes to kpkb.
Ahh well.
Anyways. Gonna get to sleep.
Haven't slept for the night.
And I think I'm gonna do it again tonight. Lol. =x
I slept standing in the train.
Almost went kneeling position.
Numerous time when I almost gonna go flat forward.
Train ride are definitely not for sleeps. Urgh.
Ok... I'm tired anyways.
Worn out.
I wanna sleep.

But dun wanna wake up. Nvr.
I dun wan to... Sigh.

2008-01-28T05:31:00.000+08:00

Couldn't sleep tonight.
Couldn't concentrate on my games.
Don't have mood for anime.
This feeling.
Sigh.
I think the exact same feeling that I used to have 2 years ago.
No. 3 years ago.
When I was sec 3?
But I'm glad it happened.

2008-01-26T00:16:00.000+08:00

More unexpected things happened.
I was going for Friday prayers with Razis.
While walking towards the mosque, he asked me whether I had a quarrel with Wid.
*Stunned for a second*
So I asked him why he asked.
He said she was moody.
So by the end of the day.
I found out.
It was bout my blog.
I mean. The previous post before.
I didn't expect her to actually thought it was her.

To Wid:
I realli didn't expect u'll thought I was actually talking bout u.
As hard as it is to let you go, I'm trying hard as well.
Yes. And Hadi noe it.
Ask him if you dun trust me. (This will be a topic I'll touch bout after this)
So I wrote.
"Juz when I thought I got over her."
It was actually HER. If u noe who I mean.
"Play with it, it's a toy."
Since when u played with my heart?
"Break it, it's like glass."
Even if it's broken, you're not entirely to blame.
Unlike someone I noe before.
Ah well.
But seriously.
U even tried to make the impact softer.
And I appreciate it.
That's wat makes u special also.
And I'm seriously sry if u thought it was u.
I would even swear if u still dun believe it's not you.
I think I was thinking too much of the past.
And like the 1st speech for the OGL session,
I guess he was right.
We, humans, live in the past and the future.
But we forgot wat's important to us.
The present.
I'm realli realli sry to have hurt u.

And another topic I would like to talk about.
Trust.
I believe that we're talking less and hiding more things from each other.
Why?
Cause there's no longer trust.
Maybe there is.
But. It's not strong.
Not strong as before.
And I can't blame u for this.
I noe.
I'm the one to blame.

I have to admit.

Cause I was the one who did things wrong.
I was the 1 who started the mistrust.
It's pretty obvious...
And.. I realli can't do much if u dun trust me anymore.
But. I juz wan to tell this to u.
No matter how hard it is to let go, I'm trying to.
But that doesn't mean I dun wanna treat u as a close friend.
A special 1 for now.
But there's a time when the special will be gone.
But it doesn't mean ur not a close friend of mine.
And I'll do wat I can to gain ur trust back.
I dun wanna see u moody.
Or.. More like..
I dun even wanna noe that ur moody.
But if you are, especially if I was the cause of it,
I'll do wat I can to cheer u up.
And yes. There will be a time I'll be down once in a while.
But I dun wan u to pay attention to it.
Cause at that time, I'll be nothing but trouble.
I'm doing wat I can.
To regain ur trust, make our friendship the way it use to be.
But I'll need...
Time.
Self-control.
Discipline.
Watever watever.. =/
And your co-orperation.

I know things change. Nothing last forever.
But.
Noone said I can't make it last as long as possible.
I'm sry if I had said earlier on affected u.
And. Gal, stay cheerful.
We dun wanna see u moody.

-Kai

2008-01-24T18:03:00.000+08:00

Little did I expect wat happened just now.
Walking home from the MRT.
Looking at the sec school students.
Walking slowly.
Dragging my feet. While smsing 1 of my best pal.
Whom I didn't realli contacted due to his work and o levels.
Suddenly.
I juz missed my sec school life.
As boring and no life as it is..
I missed the time.
When we used to hang out at the fitness corner.
Doing pull-ups.
Climbing over the wall and sitting on top of it.
Doing 619 and even reverse 619 at the window bar or wat ever it is called.
Or juz chilling out during our recess time and after school.
Missed those times.
We even tried to learn parkour there.
Remembered trying to run away from the discipline master after we jumped from the parallel bar.
Even miss the people there too.
Times changed.
People too.
Even me.
But today.
I saw myself.
As who I was a year ago.
The same feeling.
Lost. Broken. Nothing left inside.
And walking through the buildings.
The wind blew through my hair.
And finally.
I sat down under Milah's house.
The wind was continously blowing.
Staring to the empty field, I felt lost....,
Once again.
Suddenly there was a flashback.
I juz saw my
Exactly how I was a year ago.
The same feeling. The same place I'll usually go after school to enjoy the breeze.
I can't believe its happening again.
But I can't do much bout it.
Life is just in repeat mode.
Nothing seems to change.
Onli time and people.
The events. Its as though its repeating itself.
Juz when I thought I got over her.
Juz when I thought...
It hurts.. It realli does...
Play with it,
its like a toy.
Break it,

it's like glass.
But dun mend it,
My heart would juz break again.

2008-01-23T22:00:00.000+08:00

Finally.
The last day of training done.
Now's left with:
-Finding my own client.
-Getting recruits.
Wuahahaha.
Promotions.
Here I come.
And oh.
For the 1st time.
I'll be using a notebook.
LOL.
*Attention*
Kai's taking down notes!
O.o

2008-01-22T23:29:00.000+08:00

Juz came back from training today.

Supposed to be 3 days training.

But completed 2 of the days today. =P

And.. Woots.

Kinda unbelievable on wat they have to offer.

But kinda hard to do wat they ask us to do as well. =s

Anyways. Tml I'll be skipping the OGL session.

There's 1 more training tml.

Sheesh. Bad timing.

And. I was walking home from the MRT stations.

When I noticed.

The moon tonight.

Its a full moon.

And its bright also.

*Stunned by beauty of nature once again.*

Here's a pic of it.

Not realli clear though.

But oh well. =x

Yea.. Kinda blurry.

But.. It's nice.

It looked like a lampost. LOL.

Another tiring day.

And gonna get to sleep early today.

Nitez to all!.

It's late already.. -.-

Lol. Juz realised.

Anyways.. Nitez.

2008-01-21T19:28:00.000+08:00

Woots.
Becoming a salesman soon. o.o
Lol. Not sure whether I can keep up with the market.
Gonna get another job juz in case.
If I can't sell the product, then at least I have a back up job.
And the product cost $2,300. T_T
Anyways... Feeling tired today.
Gonna sleep early today.
Have to catch up with my sleep.
Nitez.

2008-01-20T11:02:00.000+08:00

I was checking out blogs this morning.
Suddenly something strike me.
Blogging doesn't suits me.
I dun have to write down wat's on my mind.
It can help... But it can pose a threat as well.
I hate misunderstandings.
But.
Writing down my thoughts isn't my style.
I dun tell others wat I think.
I onli answer when I'm asked.
That's who I am.
I realised.
I did changed.
Quite alot.
Some things bout me...
I wanna leave it as it is.
But some...
It's better if I was who I am before.
Not the negative me before..
But the person from before.
The time where I...
Didn't give up hope.
Althought it looked like I did.
It's juz faint.
Some1 who think positively but didn't realise it.
The time where nothing seems to matter.
It's all about me vs fate.
I believed that I could win.
But now...
I kinda grown weak..
When all seems lost.., I juz gave up.
Let fate do wat it wanted to me.

I came to realise.
That's not who I am.
Nor it is who my frens noe me as.
Somehow... It's like... I've grown stronger and weak at the same time.
Now I noe.
Wat I wanna do.
Or so I say so.
I'm sure there will be a time... I'll go confuse at times.
But. When that time come... I'll find a way to deal with it somehow.
Now.. I shouldn't think of wats not important.
The past... They're history.
The future... It's no use thinking bout it.
Cause it nvr had gone the way I thought it would.
So wat I should be concentrating now...
Is the present.
I'm gonna do wat I think is best for me...

And hey... I'm back.
"Wuahahahhahaha...... *cough cough cough*...."
Another round...
Heh.
Anyways. I'm juz saying nonsense. Lol.
Ok.
But juz to make it short.
I may change.
In a good way or bad... I'm not sure.
It's how u all judge me.
I'm not gonna blog that much.
Things are better to be kept with myself.
But... To get to noe wat izzit.. All u have to do is ask.
Maybe I'm not making any sense right now.. But u guys will noe wat I mean in the future.
Misunderstandings...
I guess its ok to misunderstand once in a while.
And I shouldn't be writing down...
Instead... I should be who I was.
Ask. Take initiative.
This blog's gonna be dead.
And maybe nobody will notice.
Heh.

2008-01-16T23:13:00.000+08:00

Sigh...
It seems like there's alot of things to say.
But I juz dunno where to start.
It seems like..
It's better to keep it unsaid.
But.
I'll seem cruel.
Not to explain why I'm doing so.
But when I want to write it down.
All I do was stare at this screen.
I dunno where to start.
I dun even noe whether I should be writing this.
Not to explain is cruel.
But to explain also seems cruel.
I dunno wat I should do.
But.
I guess.
I'll juz write it down..
If u dun wanna noe.
Then dun read it.

Ur sms this afternoon.
I was utterly speechless when I read it.
I didn't noe wat to do.
I dunno how to reply.
I didn't noe... How to react.
U said.
It suddenly occured to u... that u're the 1 to blame.
I still dun see any fault in u.
I'm the 1 who did things wrong.
There's no1 else to blame except for myself and onli me.
I appreciate it that u still regard me as a fren.
I appreciate that u do care.
But.. I dunno.
It's not wat I want right now.
Ur hoping that I'll think more positively, have more faith in myself and dun lose hope.
But.. To tell u the truth..
I'm juz a pessimist.
I dun think I'm of any good.
To be more positive.. At times.. I do.
But most of the time.. I'm... juz... veri pessimistic.
To have faith in myself?
I dunno. I'm... Seriously..
Juz a burden.
Not to lose hope? I nvr lost hope.
It's juz that... It's too... I dunno.
A super small hope.. That onli might happen onli like.. once in a trillion?
And... I noe. After reading this part..
U'll either go.. "watever"
Or.. "Sigh... I can't do anything. I'm not you. I can't help u if u can't help urself"
To tell u the truth.
U CAN do something to help.
Maybe used to.. But not anymore..
U noe that...
If some1 loves you alot.. Till he'll even change for u..
All u can do.. Is keep persuading.
Till he'll realli change.
It realli will work.
But now.. Things won't happen for me.
I noe...
I noe... that...
Sigh..
I'm not sure whether to even say it.
And u also included.
U dun wan me to be my old me.
As much as u dun wan me to be my old me...
Me too... Dun wan U to be ur old u.
Even though I haven't realli see it...
I noe.. I dun like it.
And I won't like it.
But... Sigh...
It seems that I'm losing my grip.
I can't hold on much longer.
I'm slowly.. And started being my old self already.
Not onli losing my grip...
I'm slowly... Losing everything...
Slowly...
Losing my soul.
Slowly...
Losing my mind.
Slowly...
Losing my emotions.
Slowly... Losing wat I once had... Once again.

The lost feeling...
I'm seeing my world crumbling down.
I've always had.
My world keep crumbling down.. Over and over again.
I dunno how long I'll be in this state.
Maybe days?
Maybe weeks?
Maybe months?
Maybe... Years...

And I noe... Ur a gal who doesn't change her mind that easily.
And so..
I'll do 1 last thing that will make u happy as a guy who...
Hmmm...
Have feelings for u?
I guess.
And then I'll start... With juz being frens.
And I noe I will be able to.

2008-01-16T00:14:00.000+08:00

Something is still not right.
Not matter how much I tried to pretend nothing's happen,
Its still not right.
Things aren't the way it used to be.
And...
I seriously... Hate it.
I got myself to blame.
I hate myself..
For being so...
Everything that ppl aren't supposed to be...
Some1... Juz stab me in the back..
Who cares if I ended up in the hospital.
Wouldn't it be better if I ended up dead?
I won't be causing any troubles.
I bring nothing but trouble.
I'm jinxed.
Things aren't the same...
We're not even talking the way we used to.
And I seriously got no1 else to blame.
Blame it on me.
On my stupidity.
On my stupid luck.
On my... I dunno.
My stupid life?

Everything that happened...
Starts to place itself together once again..
Nobody cares..
Maybe.. I should juz isolate myself...
Once again.
Put on a mask.
Now.. I got nothing else as my company.
Except...
Games to make me not think bout anything...
And misery.. Who's always been with me right from the start.
Happiness that doesn't even last long.
I'm....
feeling so..
...

There's much to say...
And I guess..
There's no1 that will listen to it...
Not any1 that I want to...
I'll be my own company for now...
Once again...

2008-01-14T23:05:00.000+08:00

Sigh..
I'm starting..
Not to understand a single thing..
Maybe I used to..
But now.. Everything that I thought I understood starts to fall apart.
Not onli that.
I'm starting to see my world crumbling down.
Once again.
But this 1 isn't like any other..
Faster..
Worse...
But.. Somehow.. The impact was softer...
The touchdown of wat I see..
Didn't violently shook the ground I'm standing on.
Even though.. Things are falling faster...
I dun understand..
I realli.. Juz.. dun..
Why does this happen?
Maybe.. I juz didn't understand right from the start.
I juz thought I did.. But I didn't.
Look at the mess I'm in.
Because of me.. U became like the way u are right now..
I'm good-for-nothing.
My existance bring nothing... But trouble.
Why?? Why is this happening??
Sigh...
Wat's happen to us?
Why is the gap widening?
Things aren't the way it used to be.
I guess its true...
Happiness is a face that dun look good on me.
...
Don't u noe.. This misery loves me?

-Kai

Misery's my company...

2008-01-13T23:42:00.000+08:00

Sigh...
Wat does revenge taste like?
Sweet?
Maybe it is... For the split second.
But then... Wat izzit u'll feel right after?
Guilt...
Isn't it?
But... Sometimes,
We juz have to..
So right now...
I'm juz trying to treat u...
The way u treat me.
From wat I see.
Maybe u didn't realise that.
After the incident that happen...
I juz suddenly doubt this once again..
Are we still friends?
I might juz be... Onced-A-Close fren.
Or.. Maybe.. Once a fren.
"u can do wateva u want uh.. y wud i b mad or sumting.."
This is wat u said earlier on.
It.. Juz sounds... So cold.
Even a friend.. Would be angry if we did wrong..
U... Juz seem.
Like.. U wouldn't even care..
I wonder how u see me now.
Wat u see me as now?

2008-01-13T02:09:00.000+08:00

I wont be able to play soccer for a week or so.
Somehow I stupidly manage to sprain my leg.
So sry that I can't play soccer even if u asked me to.

Anyways.
I wonder wat izzit that u have in mind.
Wat's bothering u?
And wat's even stopping u from asking.
It's like ur keeping a secret from me.
And u should noe.
I hate secrets.
Well. At least if..
Let's say there's a secret bout me..
But I didn't noe bout it... I'm ok.
But now.. I noe it.
There is something ur hiding.
And I wanna noe.
Good or bad.. It doesn't matter.
Wat's the worse it can get?
Not like I'll die from it.
I noe.. I won't suicide.
No matter how bad I dun wish to live in this word.
Somehow... I wish that u'll tell me wat izzit u wanna ask/tell me...
I still wonder.. Wat izzit that's stopping u from telling/asking.
It doesn't matter if I'm hurt.
And seriously.. I hope.. That u'll ask wat u want.

-Kai

2008-01-11T23:49:00.000+08:00

Why does things gotta go like this?
If things weren't meant to be this way...
Then she should at least have ended by hurting me.
It's because that she didn't wanna hurt that get me getting the wrong signs.
I lied.
When she asked whether she's giving the wrong signs.
But somehow... Its partly true.
Yea. She might be giving the wrong signs.
But. I gave a reason that she wasn't,
That I believe is true.
I still remember telling her,
"Its not about the signs u give, its about how the other person take the action as, a sign or juz something normal that u do"
And now.
I'm.. glad I guess.
I juz appreciate it.. That we're still friends.
She's juz... Kind, Forgiving, Caring, Sweet.
That's wat I liked bout her.
She juz have this 'I'm fun to be around with' aura around her..
But things aren't meant to be.
I guess I'll get with it.
Somehow... I gotta get this feelings... Outta my head.
Its true I still have feelings for her.
But things aren't meant to be.
And she's still friends with me.
I know I can't force things.
But I guess.
I'll have to find another.
But I'll say.
I'll nvr find.. Some1 like her.
Or not even some1 better.
Seriously.
From wat I had.
No1 gets me like she did.

I hurted her.
I changed my blog link.
So now I wonder...
Is she even reading?
God noes if she is.
And thinking back now...
Wat I missed bout her.
I missed the time..
See who would be the 1st... To peek-a-boo 1 another..
Kinda childish... Yea... But still.
I realli miss those times.
And... If she was the 1st.. To "chiak" me,
Back then... I was realli happy.
Cause... I felt I was needed.
I felt that she needed me to listen to her.
Somehow...
At least I felt.. I was needed.
But now... I'm left.. Like this.. Once again...
Onli with a different twist in it.
Last time.
We used to listen to the radio.
Misteri Jam 12.
And we'll be talking over the phone/on9 about it.
And again.
Now...
We're not doing things the way we was.
Times and things do change.

And I remembered.
Last time.
When I was.. Getting the wrong signs?
The time I thought I realli could have the chance to finally call some1 mine.
I remembered her past september posts.
Its juz... Somehow.. Veri heart-warming.
A false sign.. But if that's wat's keep me happy...
I wanna live in this lie.
I dun wanna noe wat happen next.
I would rather live in denial.
I wan time to stop.
So I'll keep living in denial all the time.
If that keeps me happy.
But I have to see.
Things weren't mean to go the way we want it to.

And now.. I'm wondering...
Will there be a time... I'll find love?
And.. will she be the same?
Worse? Better?
Will things even get better for me?
Or my life is juz... full of shit?

2008-01-07T23:49:00.000+08:00

I dunno wats coming over me.
Wat was I thinking?
I almost gotten angry for no reason.
I didn't noe..
Something I thought was quite wonderful,
Could have almost corrupted me.
I guess I was too blind.
All I saw was its beauty.
But it almost changed me.
Maybe it had me changed.
But if I were to be on like this...
I prefer...
Not to continue living.
I'm semi-corrupted.
By wat?
By something.. I always had.. Blindly searched for.
I want to go somewhere.
Anywhere...
But here.
I'm feeling how I felt last time.
And when I started to think about how we spend time, the way we talked & joke,
I felt bad.
Realli bad.
But look at we are now.
God knows if we're still frens.
Now I'm even having doubts bout it.
*I am... I realli am...*

Yes I know wat I did was wrong..
But I dunno..
If u realli forgave me.
I wanted to apologize repeatedly.
But I remembered.
Wat made u hate ppl apologizing.
But now. U show u care.
For my health.
I'm glad for it.
But...
Ur still avoiding things.
U dun even wanna talk bout it.
I'm starting to doubt.
Once again.
Am I 1 of ur close frens...?
or... WAS I 1 of ur close frens..?

Cause of wat I've done.
Disaster.
Do u even look at me as a fren...?
I wonder...
Watever the outcome..
I was the 1 who did it.
I'll juz take the blame.
And the punishment.
If u realli dun wan to be friends..
Juz tell me.
U dun have to say its up to me anymore.
I wonder.. If the but that u wanted to tell me was..
"But.. I wont treat u as a friend anymore..."
Sigh.
But despite all that.. I still wanna tell u something.
The talks... The jokes... The time we spend....
I'm gonna miss them all.
And those memories... Are not those.. That is to be forgotten.

-Kai

I saw this vision... Now I'm thinking... It might come true....

2008-01-06T08:54:00.000+08:00

I could see that I did changed alot.
From the time I started school.
Till now.
Last time.. Friends..?
It didn't matter.
I dun need them.
But now I'm starting to appreciate them.
Back then..
I hated smiling.
I will always put on a fake smile.
Laugh to show others I'm ok.
Although I'm not.
But now.. I guess.
I do smile often.
*But I still dunno how to smile when I'm taking pics. =x*
I laugh. And sometimes.. Laughed too hard till I started crying.
Things had realli change.
A year has passed by.
And yea.. It is fast.
I didn't have any year that passed by so fast before...
This is my 1st.
Maybe because.. I'm enjoying every single moment that I'm spending.
Poly life...
Is so much better than sec school life.
I still remember.. We had to sing the national anthem at the parade square every morning.
Greet the teachers everytime they step into the class.
No sleeping in class.
No handphones in class.
Poly is so much different.
We dun have to sing the national anthem at all.
We dun have to greet the teachers.
We can sleep all we want.
As long as we dun disturb the teachers.
We can use hp in class.
As long as the teacher dun get irritated by it.
We can wear our own shirt...
Which is kinda the part I hate.
Cause I dun go shopping.
And.....
Yea... All my clothes...
Are a little.. Too...
Casual I guess.
=x
There's still another 2 years in poly.
1st year has been a nice 1....
And I'm looking forward to the next 2 years.

-Kai